Me and my husband spent a few days at the Oregon Coast to celebrate our 4th anniversary. We had a fantastic time in which we shared many romantic moments and reminisced past anniversaries.
What struck me the most though, is how at peace I am with myself. And while dreaming away in front of the Pacific Ocean, I remembered a time where confusion and pain had nestled in my being.
Are you a loser or a winner?
8 years ago, in the year 2001, I believed I was on a good path and riding a high and mighty wave; I had just made promotion within the company which had employed me only several months before, I was making great progress in my Economics Studies, my paycheck was so fat I hardly could believe it and me and the boyfriend had decided to finally live together.
Still, this strange nagging feeling wouldn’t leave me be… weeks went by and I couldn’t figure out why this annoying feeling of sadness wouldn’t leave my side.
Pretending all was well, I simply kept on going, and each day my spirits would get lower and lower and my heart grew heavier.
I finally got to a point where I had to admit to myself that I was not happy. Not happy at all. But does this means then that I have failed? That I have failed in making my life a succes? That I have failed in choosing the right studies? That I have failed choosing the perfect career? That I have failed yet once again in choosing the right partner?
“No no no… I am not a loser. I am a winner. Snap out of this state that makes no sense and get on with your life!”, were the words I would say to myself every morning… and I kept on going and going until I was completely depleted and burned out.
How burn out took me down hard
Have you ever reached a point where there is absolutely no energy in your body?
Have you ever reached a point where your body just shuts off and you have absolutely no control?
Have you ever reached a point where all you can do is feeling so miserable that you cannot even shed a tear for yourself?
There I was, a 29 year old woman, curled up like a baby in my bed with the blankets pulled over my head trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.
I felt like a loser. I felt like a miserable worthless piece of flawed human being. I felt like I had no spine. I felt like a complete failure.
Very quickly, everything spiraled down and I fell into a deep deep depression.
I wanted to make sure nobody would see me like this, including my family. I was ashamed… so incredibly ashamed of my miserable state of being…
I withdrew myself from the outside world and I remember how loneliness and despair gathered around me like a thick cold fog.
I felt so lost…
You have not failed, my sweet sensation
If I could travel back into the past, I would reach out to this young woman who was completely burned out, confused and in pain.
I would kneel beside her, caresse her cheeck, wrap my arms tightly around her and whisper softly into her ear:
“You have not failed, my sweet sensation… You are a passionate, bright and intelligent young woman that has lost her way. Your path of finding your way back home will be long and difficult with ups and downs. You need not be afraid…gather the strength to rise up again… ”
And so I did, dear reader… I found the strength to rise up again and find my way home. I did not do it all by myself. Over the years I received help from loved ones, I received help from a pshychologist, I received help from a naturopath, tapped into a gentle spirituality, found answers in an underground music genre called “deep house”, encountered the strangest and most colorful characters who all showed me what path to choose, traveled to far away places and, and, and… so much more…
And finally, eight years after that lonely and desperate moment in my life, I can fully say that I have found my way home…
Today, I leave you with a song called “Sweet Sensation”. Right before we left for the Oregon coast I listened to it and the lyricks struck a cord with me:
Oh, what sweet sensation
Lord, what strange emotion
You got love and devotion
And I won’t forget your touch
Thank you for reading and until the next entry…
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